Just Skip This.

I don't even know what to feel like anymore.  I feel like I am living in a hotel, like I don't actually live at my apartment or have a home... rather, I am just staying here temporarily.  I hate that feeling, which is probably why I don't particularly enjoy being in my apartment.  I loved my apartment when I had a job... when I knew I would be able to pay my rent without worries.  Now?  Not so much.  Now, I practically dread every day.  I feel more and more anxiety on a daily basis.  I have bills to pay, and more just around the corner.  It makes my head hurt and makes me nauseated just a bit to think about all of it.  I try not to dwell on it.  I try to think happier thoughts... but I haven't been too successful with that.

My cat seems to be happy though.  She's sitting beside me right now.  She has food, fresh water, and a clean litterbox... and I'm home with her-- so life couldn't be better in her world.  Her little face makes me happy most of the time, but other times... I feel like I could burst into tears looking at her.  Why?  Am I mentally unstable?  Possibly.  Sometimes I feel like I am.  All she needs is food, cuddles, and love.  I can give her all of those things... for now, until I run out of funds.

Ok, so this week I need to apply for more jobs.  I may need to just broaden the search and go anywhere... but I really don't want to move across the country again.  Of course, I also have the big problem with not being able to break my lease.  That is really a huge weight hanging over me... making me feel like I'm in jail at my apartment.  I don't know if I'd feel more like it's home if I actually had furniture or what.  I'd hope this feeling is temporary, and it probably is... but right now, I feel like my life is going nowhere.  I feel like a failure.  I feel like an intern again... only honestly, right now, I'd say I feel worse than I did as an intern.

I don't really even know why I am writing this... but I just feel blah.  I am just sick and tired of being tired of life.  I hate it, and I almost hate myself for it.  I want to be happy again.  I want to find a job that I love going to every day, and I want to help animals.  Right now though, I feel like I can't even help myself... so how can I possibly help others?  Blah.  Ok I'm done.  Really, done.  Sorry.  I hope you all didn't actually read all of my random, ridiculous blabbering.  I need to stop.  I just need to stop feeling this way.  I shouldn't be allowed to feel like this or complain about my life.  I know there are others out there who are in much worse situations than I am.  There are people who are sick, with ill loved ones, or people who don't even have a roof over their heads or food to eat.  I am going to shut up now.  I am going to be grateful for what I have and try not to feel so negative about my life... or try very hard to be a better person.

Now I'm going to go hug my cat and hope she makes me feel better.

XOXO