Making Cuts

Oops, so I guess I haven't updated the blog in a few days... and I was doing so well!  I do mean to update you all on my crazy thoughts daily, and I truly have no excuses as to why I didn't do it until today.  Being lazy really has been taking over my life, and I don't like it.  Sure, I love to sleep in... always have, always will.  I feel like I'm trapped in a bubble and can't break out of it.  My sleeping schedule is a disaster.  I need to remedy this situation immediately as I have a 2.5-3 hour drive ahead of myself early on Monday morning.  I'm going to have to leave here around 6am.... and it's going to be a very long day.

With each day that passes, I start to freak out a little more about my lack of income and completely upside down life right now.  It scares me, and I want it to stop.  I don't understand what I am supposed to learn from this, but I'm sure there's a hidden lesson.  I have decided to sell off handbags that I do not use in an attempt to raise money so that I can actually pay my rent.  If I can't manage to do that... I don't know what is going to happen to me.

I painted my nails a bright red today, and red nail polish does make me happy.  It's a temporary escape from reality for me though.  There's more snow in the forecast right now, and unfortunately... I don't even know if I can pay to get my snow tires put on my car right now.  I know that it shouldn't be THAT expensive... but literally, every penny counts right now.  My life would be a lot easier if I could grow a money tree just for a short time... just to pay a few bills.

The next thing to go is going to be the internet.  I am going to have to just start going to Starbucks to check my email and update my blog.  I can't really not pay my electric/gas bills or water bill for that matter... but internet, I can do without it.

My sleep schedule is completely insane.  I am sleeping horribly, and I am staying up super late... and sleeping in a lot.  Sure, is this because I am depressed? Likely.  Although, there's nothing I can do about it right now... as far as seeing someone professionally.  I don't think I need medication for it-- but I'm really sick of feeling how I feel, and I say a prayer every night that things will change for me soon.  Tomorrow is another day, so hopefully it will be a better one.

XOXO

Happy Birthday...

Today my sibling turns 25 years old.  Wow... seriously, that can only mean two things.  1) I feel old.  2) I should feel old as his birthday always starts the next cycle of 5 years between us.  Turning 30 kind of terrifies me a little, which I'm sure is an appropriate and normal reaction.  I guess I'm not where I thought I'd be at 30.  When I was a kid, I thought everyone was married with children by 30.  Key word in the previous sentence obviously is "kid."  Yes, I know that's not realistic... and quite honestly, I don't know if I'll ever marry.  Enough about me though.  This post is about my sibling.

I'm sure I haven't always been the best big sister in the world... but it's hard being the older sibling.  I've had to watch out for him since we were kids-- and even though he's grown, I still feel responsible and that I need to push him.  Could it be that this is because I'm totally OCD, golden child, type A personality, perfectionist?  Sure... all of those are probably true to some degree.  I just want to see him succeed and push himself because he can do and be anything he wants to be in the world.

I'm blessed and lucky to have grown up with such a wonderful sibling.  We definitely ganged up on my parents more than once when we were little.  We still share secrets that only siblings could share.  He now lives in another state... although with my relocation to the east coast--at least we're not quite as far from each other as we were when I was living in California.

Here are a few childhood pictures... welcome, little sib, to the QoaCC (quarter of a century club).  Now you are old.

XOXO

We go sledding...

And bake brownies together...

Hunt for Easter eggs...

Share morning smiles...

Go trick-or-treating together... as devils...

and we go on vacation.

Siblings are blessings

"We're not sisters by birth, but we've known from the start, fate brought us together to be sisters by heart." - Unknown

This quote pretty much sums it up.  I am so grateful to have been blessed in 2011 with the addition of two sisters into my life.  I always wanted a big sister, or little for that matter, when I was growing up.  

I remember being nearly 5 years old when my little brother was brought home from the hospital by my parents.  Sure, I had known that I was going to be a big sister... but I was less than amused to find out that I had gotten a brother rather than a sister.  Don't get me wrong... I love my brother.  He's amazing.  He has been through more in his almost 25 years of life than many people have.  There is certainly an unbreakable bond between siblings... so I'm glad to have someone that shares childhood memories with me.  From the food fight after Thanksgiving one year, when he smashed pumpkin pie in my hair... which then ended up all over my mom's kitchen walls to the times when we'd search the house, high and low, for Christmas presents, stealthily unwrap them carefully (by slicing through the scotch tape with a sharp kitchen knife and then carefully replacing an equally sized piece of tape over the original piece), he has always been there with me.  Another classic childhood memory is the time that I let my little temper flare up, was yelling at my brother, and got so angry at my him (for some reason I cannot remember now-- but obviously something trivial that siblings would argue over), and picked a huge pumpkin up off the TV in the basement... which I then proceeded to throw forcefully against the carpeted floor, watching as the pumpkin guts sprayed onto the carpet and countless pieces of pumpkin shell were strewn across the floor.  I remember looking up at him, half out of anger, and half out of guilt, not to mention terror/fear of what would happen next when I heard my mom's voice ring out from upstairs... "what's going on down there?"  I don't remember why he took pity on me, but my brother ended up telling my parents that he broke the pumpkin and got punished for it.  I also remember telling my brother once that it was ok to use the bathtub and trash can as alternatives to the toilet.  I truly was a rotten child.So, what I did to deserve to gain two sisters into my life is beyond me.  I feel truly blessed.  I have no idea why I deserve the care, concern, and love of two wonderful people... who even though are not related to me by blood, feel just as much like family as my brother is.  I first met my middle sister in November over Thanksgiving weekend.  She is warm, intelligent, and pretty much has the same sense of humor as I do.  I felt as though I had known her for years even though I had only known her for a matter of a few days... although I had heard about her through conversations with my big sister.  I've known my big sister for quite sometime... first through posting on a handbag forum but met her in person in July 2011 following an application for a job.  She took a chance on me... having known me from my online posts and talking a bit online and let me stay with her.  My search for a job continued into August and September, and I traveled for an interview on Labor Day weekend 2011, after which time, I went to visit my big sister.  I stayed with her for basically all of September, and during that time, I received and accepted a job offer, and realized how lucky I was to have formed such a strong, unbreakable bond with her.  For Christmas 2011, my big sister and I took a road trip together from her place to the North Country, where she grew up.  I absolutely LOVE being there.  It's such a beautiful part of New York, and of course... I got to spend time with her, my middle sister, and their dad--who is such a kind and generous soul-- makes it very easy for me to see why my sisters are both as wonderful as they are.  I loved Christmas.  It was wonderful.  I experienced my first and second trips to Vermont (Burlington, to be exact) for shopping on Christmas Eve and Boxing Day.  I also experienced my first ferry ride!  It was so much fun!  I loved the ferry and wish I could ride on one every single day.

My middle sister is essentially like a twin sister.  It's almost a bit scary to see how much we have in common.  I'm pretty sure that she and I would have joined forces quite often as children and tormented our big sister... but since we're not kids now, we just have to torment her as adults!  My middle sister is very blunt and matter-of-fact, just like me... and I do appreciate those qualities.  She wouldn't stand for my self-loathing, pity behavior as of late... telling me to suck it up, put on my big girl pants, and get another job.  She'd be right, and I know this.  

My big sister is one of the most caring, selfless, intelligent, warm, and loving individuals that I know.  She always sees the good in everyone, and she always listens to me.  She offers advice whether I want to hear it or not, which I do appreciate and need to hear.  She knows how to make me smile even when my world is turned upside down--which it has been lately.  She is nuturing and protective.  She is also an amazing cook, both of my sisters are actually... and I know that I will always eat the most delicious dishes in their presence.  I have spent so many weekends with her, nearly every weekend from Thanksgiving up through last weekend.  We drink wine, eat chocolate, cheese, salami, hard crusty breads, drink coffee, cuddle with her two kittens... content with staying home and having the company of each other, and sometimes we laugh until we cry.  Simple errands like grocery shopping are far more fun with a sister.  You can learn a lot about someone by how they fill a grocery cart-- and my big sister is no exception to that rule.  I've been to the store enough with her that I can predict what she's going to put in the cart... and she's always asking me what I like or what I will eat.  Silly sister... I will eat anything that she wants to cook!  I will never refuse to try a dish that is put in front of me... and she knows this.  She also gives the best hugs, which always make me feel warm and happy to see her.  My least favorite thing is saying goodbye to my sister after a weekend has ended.  Now I know it's not really goodbye, it's never goodbye... it's see you soon, but I still almost cry when I have to leave her.  As much as I sink into my shell some days, away from the rest of the world, sulking or wallowing in self pity (which, I know is not healthy)... she can still bring me out, reminds me that there is good in the world, and that I will get my turn-- I will get good news and deserve good things to happen to me.  She is the best, more than I deserve and could have ever asked for... and the best part is that she loves me, despite my flaws, shortcomings, and everything, plain and simple.  There is no other love like the love of a sister.  Regardless of where I go in life, how many relationships I go through, how many jobs I have, or any other curve that life throws my way... I know that I will always have her.

So... today I am grateful and blessed to have three siblings in my life.  One brother, two sisters. I wouldn't trade any of the experiences I've had in life with them for anything in the world.  I am such a lucky girl, and today I choose to remember that and be happy.

XOXO

Winter has arrived

It snowed 4.5-5 inches of snow overnight last night here... as this was very apparent when the snow came half way up my Hunter boot covered legs.  It was in the 20s today, cold, and there was ice on my car.  I scraped the car, just enough so that I could free my windshield wipers... to keep them up in the air in case more ice happens.

The winter storm warning has been extended through tomorrow morning at 7am... with a possible 2-4 additional inches of snow.  I certainly hope that doesn't happen.  I really should get my snow tires on in the near future.

Here are a few photos of the lovely snow... for those of you who are fortunate enough to live in warmer climates or have not yet joined in the winter fun!

XOXO

This lovely brook is right behind my building

Outside of my building

Love.

Winter Storm Advisory

Once again, my lovely city is under a winter storm advisory... for a projected 6-10 inches of snow over the next 36 hours.  Did I mention how NOT excited I am about this?  Upstate NY winter = no bueno.  I do love the scenery here.  In the fall, the foliage is probably some of the very best in the country... and I haven't been here in the spring yet.  Winter though... I am not a fan.  Never have been, never will be.

I'm also staying in town this weekend... for the first weekend since before Christmas.  Yep, I've been in Pennsylvania for quite a few weekends-- and I prefer it that way.  Weekends with my big sister are so relaxing and fun.  I don't even know what I'm going to do with myself.  I actually hope that I get snowed in so that I will feel better about staying home.  I need to stay home I guess... not so much for me, but more because my sister needs to relax without a visitor-- she always worries when I travel, and she needs to unwind and get her life back in order.  I should be doing the same... getting my life in order, but I don't know where to begin.  More importantly, my cat will be happy that I am here I guess.

In other news, I went grocery shopping tonight and bought lots of yummy things.  I am going to eat better in 2012 and try to take better care of myself.  I have not been doing a great job, and I just feel like a sloth.  I need to start running again, doing yoga, or doing pilates... something.  I need to feel centered again, like I'm worth something... because right now, my self esteem is so far down in the hole that I just feel like I keep sinking and will never rise above.  I know it's not healthy to think negatively, but it's my nature... I can't get myself out of this rut.  I want to break out of the rut.  I want to find an amazing job and be happy again.  I want to get caught up on life.  I want to be me again.  I miss being happy and miss being excited about life.  I was excited about everyday once... when I had a job, when I first moved here, and had you asked me a few months ago if I'd be where I am right now... I would have told you no way, no how.  I still feel like I am living a nightmare.  One never-ending nightmare that keeps repeating.  I try not to think of it that way because I'm pretty sure that mind set is part of the reason why I'm not sleeping all that well.

I still have a headache today.  I felt a little better when I was out and about doing grocery shopping.  Maybe it really is my apartment, something at my apartment that is making me feel like crap.  Oh well.  It's not that bad.

Hopefully it dumps snow on me.  I want to get 10 inches of snow.  I want it to be so high that I can't see out the windows.  If that happens, then I'll take pictures and post... especially for all of you crazy people who want snow but aren't getting it.  If I could, I'd gladly give all of it to you!

Food = happiness

Two posts in ONE day... wow!

Just because I know there are people out there who worry a great deal about me... and have probably been worrying more after reading the last two posts, I am eating.

This is dinner tonight: Chobani greek yogurt (raspberry), cheese-filled tortellini from Trader Joe's topped with vodka pasta sauce from Wegman's.  Oh yes, and a yummy multigrain roll, and perhaps a glass of red wine?  I do have a bottle that I could open.

Only down side to dinner is that I have finished off my supply of TJ's tortellini. Boo.  Anything from TJ's is as good as comfort food in my opinion.  I need to go grocery shopping tomorrow so that I can cook up some more delicious foods soon.

This and That.

I woke up with a horrible headache today.  I don't understand why I have been getting headaches lately.  I seem to have worse ones when I am in my apartment vs. at my sister's place in PA.  I still had a headache in PA, but it wasn't as bad.  My best guess is that I'm dealing with a lot of stress... much of which is probably self-imposed and unnecessary... but that's really a big part of my life (unfortunately) right now.  However, it was suggested that perhaps there's a leak in carbon monoxide in my apartment-- which quite frankly scares the crap out of me!  Is that true?  Could it be possible?  I don't know.  I have two dual smoke/carbon monoxide detectors in my apartment... and I carefully stood on a backless kitchen stool today in order to reach the "test" button on the detector.  After a piercing beeping noise that probably only worsened my headache, I can say that the detector works without a problem.  So, that at least made me feel a bit of relief... knowing that I have a detector with a functioning battery.  But I just don't get it... don't understand this at all.  I slept 12 hours last night, so I should have woken up feeling spectacular, right?  Wrong.  I miss the days of waking up, feeling good, and looking forward to the day.  Maybe I'm clinically depressed... hadn't really considered the possibility before, but who knows.  It's a possibility I guess.

I also have not eaten much today and am notoriously bad at taking care of myself.  Not that I need someone to mother me, but I just do not take care of myself well enough in times like this.  I know, doctors make the very worst patients, right?  Yes, that's a true statement.  We do.  I don't really have any medications I can take because I'm not a huge believer in self medication.  I'd open a bottle of wine, but that will probably make me feel worse.

I did manage to revamp my cover letter and CV today.  Emailed the headhunters with updated copies, and I asked for new openings available in various regions of the country.  I'm not sold on the idea of moving across the country again... but I need a job.  I need to work.  It's driving me crazy right now.  I also applied to another position here in NY State.  I hope that I start hearing good news soon.  Anything is better than nothing at all.

XOXO