It is 3:54 am... and I am still awake. What the hell is wrong with me?! I am really sick of not being able to sleep. I don't want to drink a glass of wine every night or have to resort to Benadryl or Nyquil... but seriously, this is ridiculous. I physically feel tired, even have been yawning... but it doesn't matter what I do-- I just end up laying in bed, tossing and turning, so I finally decided-- screw it, I'm getting up. Either I'll literally stay up all night and force myself onto a normal sleep schedule tomorrow night... or I will crash and burn shortly. At this point, I honestly don't care which event happens to me.
I miss the time when sleep came easily. In fact, I wish I was so physically exhausted from busting my butt at work that I would pass out when my head hit the pillow. This was a regular way of life-- passing out when my head hit the pillow-- that is... during my intern year last year. I'm fairly certain that it'd also be a way of life if I was doing a residency right now too-- but yeah, that obviously did not work out as planned.
I have never had trouble sleeping like this in my life. Sure, did I ever stay awake at night for a little while? Absolutely. Nervous before midterms or finals in vet school... nervous/terrified before my vet school interview... yeah, I can count lots of events that have kept me awake. Right now though, I'm pretty confident that the uncertainty of what is going to happen day to day, especially financially, is what is causing me such stress and allowing sleep to pass me by. Come back, sleep! I miss you! We used to have a great relationship... please come back to me.
I am in Pennsylvania this weekend (short trip, sadly) visiting my big sister... because 1) I missed her, 2) I missed the kittehs, and 3) I tend to be less stressed and more relaxed when I visit. Despite all of the other times I have recently been down here too, I have never EVER been awake at this god forsaken awful hour. Seriously, I wish I could cry right now... cry myself to sleep even. That would be better! It's been a rough week for really no good reason... and although I may be a bit nervous for my interviews next week, I should not be LOSING sleep over them-- not yet anyways. It's not as though I've never had an interview before... I know how to conduct myself, I know the questions they will ask me... I really think the sad fact of the matter is that I have absolutely zero control over anything right now, and it's stressing me out so much that my brain is racing through a million various thoughts a minute that it is keeping me awake. Stupid brain.
I guess, at this rate, I might as well just force myself to stay awake for a few more hours... make coffee, and go to bed at a normal time tonight (Saturday). It has been snowing for a few hours now... not really sure when it started, maybe at 1? There's definitely at least an inch of snow on the ground from what I can see by looking at the cars in the parking lot and on the building rooftop across the way.
I really was hoping that typing a blog post and staring at the laptop screen would be enough to force my eyelids to collapse shut. Obviously, not working yet. I wish I had thought to bring workout clothes with me... because running in the snow (although freezing) is actually quite fun. Is it necessarily the safest idea to do so at 4am? Probably not. But come on... it could have two possible effects: 1) it makes my adrenaline surge, pumping me up, therefore keeping me awake the remainder of the early morning hours... so that I can make coffee and get on with the day OR 2) it makes me so tired to use muscles that I haven't in months that I collapse in a pile on my air mattress and sleep. I vote for #2, of course,... but I didn't bring running shoes or running attire with me-- not to mention, I would wake up the kittehs (and then likely big sister too) if I went outside at this hour.
It is now 4:09 am... and I hear the beeping of a truck outside, like a truck backing up. Maybe it's a snow plow trying to clear the parking lot? Who knows. Hearing traffic, sirens, etc... has never bothered me before when I have been here. Blah. I'm at such a loss for how I feel right now, and I hate it. Maybe crying about it is the emotional release I need to have in order to sleep? Who knows. I doubt I could even sleep right now if I was drunk. As hindsight is always 20/20, I most definitely should have thought to have a beer with my chicken corn chowder that I ate for dinner. I thought soup was a good choice for food. It was absolutely delicious (as everything my sister makes is), and soup always makes me feel warm, comfy, and usually tired! T-I-R-E-D! My legs felt tired, and I was hoping that the drive down here also made me tired enough to fall asleep.... maybe not at 11, but at the very least, by midnight or 1am. Alas, sleep has not found me... and it is now 4:14. I hear the truck backing up again outside. It must be a snow plow. That's the only rational thing I can think would be outside, in close proximity at this hour of the morning. Staring at the screen isn't helping much, but I feel a bit more tired just staring at the monitor than I did while I was staring at the ceiling in bed. Maybe I should try reading a book on my Kindle for PC? Sometimes that helps me get sleepy. Although I truly don't even know if I want to sleep now. I mean, I WANT to... but it's just going to mess me up more if I sleep hours today. Thankfully, since it is crafts weekend, and I always wake up at "normal" times when I am in PA... I think I would wake up anyways at a normal time. I'd likely be quite tired all day, and perhaps a bit crabby (my own fault of course)... but maybe being tired all day is what I need to go to sleep at a regular time. Who knows. I wish I did because then I could be sleeping the early morning hours away... rather than sitting up and blogging. Don't get me wrong-- blogging does make me feel better. It's essentially like my own personal journal that is public, so everyone can read about my ridiculously random thoughts... any time of any day! Fun, right? I actually feel badly that people waste minutes of their daily life reading about my ridiculous thoughts... but hey, it's ok. If I can make someone laugh, or brighten someone's crappy day... then at least I've accomplished something good.
Now if someone could please share the secret on how to shut off my brain and make me sleep... preferably without prescription medication as I do not have health insurance or a physician right now, that would be ideal.
Hmm 4:21 am... less than 3 hours until sunrise. I wonder if I'll be awake or not.
XOXO
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